The Harrased Babysitter
by silmirof4077
Summary: A bit like hyperactive nazgul. The ravings of a very stressed babysitter.
1. Chapter 1

Galadriel why are you looking into the cat's water dish?

Denethor! Put that oil away, and what's our rule about matches?

Pippin please stop trying to push Faramir of the couth it's the first time he's slept in weeks.

Boromir stop blowing that dratted horn I just got the uruk-hai to bed!

Gollum, out of the freezer. Gimme that fish.

Merry, Pippin get out of the cupboard. Hey what are you smoking? Lets see some ID huh?

Aragorn have you any idea how much that cost?

Gimli , thank you kindly, but I think that you've chopped quite enough firewood.

Eowyn stop looking at Arwen like that and give your brother back his sword.

No witchking you can not keep it! I'm not even sure what _it_ is!

Legolas, no skateboarding in the house.

Eomer kindly stop throwing forks at my elephant painting.

Sauron how many times have I told you; you cannot forge rings in the sandpit.

Gandalf, Saruman, stop hitting each other.

Sam OUT OF THE GARDEN!

Frodo get away form the fire or………IS THAT MY WEDDING RING?


	2. Daycare

What do you mean you want me to take them?

Not for $100.

Hey where are you going GET BACK HERE!

Please sit down, em, children

Yes that is a very nice ring bilbo.

Gandalf stop trying to steal Bilbo's ring.

Unnatural slimy things that just rose from the sandpit, please put Merry and Pippin down.

Put them down _Gently!_

Gandalf are you trying to pull that moth's wings off?

Eowyn! We do not hit!

Arwen give Glorfindel back his horse. NOW!

Morgoth, if you do not play nicely with Manwe I shall send you to the naughty corner.

Manwe you do not have the right to banish Morgoth from you "Realm".

Aragorn why are you lying on the floor?

Yes Legolas the sun _is _up

Sam all plant life is to be kept outside the room.

Sauron share with the Nazgul.

Witchking, we do not bring pets to day-care.

Faramir I'd really rather you didn't try to evict Gothmog from the play house.

Gothmog we do not use peashooters in day-care!

Frodo please stop pretending to be a rock.

Gollum…… Urg is that fish still ALIVE!

Legolas we do not slid down stairs. Ever.


	3. Not again!

Hello….Oh god not _you _again.

No very sorry, we are closed.

Hey come back here!

Witchking please refrain from singing jingle bells.

Arwen don't tip water on the Ringwraiths.

Saruman! We do not hold people hostage on the top of the Christmas tree.

Gandalf! Don't you dare jump on that budgie!

Glorfindel we do not tip glitter on peoples heads.

I do not care if he wanted to glow like an elf.

Sam, no drinks until lun…. Is that WINE!

Gandalf this is a non-smoking day care.

Sauron you are not Santa Claus and you may not use those_ things_ to pull you sleigh.

Merry and Pippin, I warn you if you light that firework you shall be washing up for the next ten years.

Frodo! Give Sauron his nice ring back..

Sauron we don't grab.

Laugh _quietly_ Sauron.

Gollum stop trying to bite Sauron.

We do not snatch Gollum.

No Gollum, the precious did not make you do it.

Frodo the ring is _not _yours.

Frodo! Did you just throw Sauron's ring in the fire?

Sauron for heavens sake get up. It isn't the end of the world

Gollum, OUT OF THE FIREPLACE.

Aragorn, we do not knock down Sauron's nice tower.

Frodo I don't care if you were escaping the lava we do not run inside.

Sauron, don't hold your breath like that you'll pass out.

No Sauron you are not going to die because you don't have you ring.

I stand corrected

You lot! Stop singing and call the ambulance.

Don't you dare jump on him Aragorn.

Who let those budgies loose in here?

Gandalf you cannot use them to pick up Frodo and Sam.

Aragorn do not hit the nice troll. IS THAT A KNIFE!

I feel faint

Thunk 


	4. Merry Christmas

Sorry there's not every character in each one . If you review I'll do you a new years episode.

Ok, hem, children please sit in a circle while we open our gifts 

SIT IN CIRLCE BEFORE SOMEBODY DIES!

Aragorn you go first, what did Santa bring you?

A new sword. Oh joy. And a crown how lovely.

We are civilized beings. We will…ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME! OPEN YOU PRESENTS ONE AT A TIME!

Or not.

Frodo please rescue Sam from drowning in the sae of paper.

Witchking is your pet eating the Christmas tree?

Witchking that is not a flaming sword, it's a lighter.

What are you doing with a lighter!

Gothmog if you wish to enter a room you knock, not smash at the door with a battering ram.

Gollum….IS THAT MY GOLDFISH!

Ok everybody lets sing a Christmas song: jingle bells, jingle bells……

Aragorn! The orcs do not smell.

Well yes, they do, but it isn't polite to say so.

Gimli! Please tell me that glass wasn't the mirror.

What am I going to do? Lets put it this way. What you did to the mirror is _nothing_ compared to what I'm going to do your neck.

Sam do not stab the spiders.

I don't care if you were rescuing Frodo.

Theoden, what lovely group of plastic horses you have assembled on the stairs.

How am I supposed to get past?

Aragorn that is the contents of the linen cupboard, not an army.

Aragorn do not strangle the orcs with sheets.

No aragorn you cannot give the sheets their freedom.

What did I just say?

Sam and Frodo you look worn out, time for bed.

Oh don't crawl up the stairs like that, you're not dying.

The ring is not heavy it weighs approximately 10 grams. Nothing to stop you from walking upright.

Oh Eowyn how sweet, you have a present for Arwen.

Can you hear something ticking?

Eowyn what exactly is that?

Arwen put it down. Now!

Boom 

Never mind.


	5. New Years Nightmare

Ok erm, _children_ sit down on the rug please 

I SAID SIT DOWN ON THE RUG!

Thank you.

Eomer would you not charge down the hill like that, it's getting sand in everyone's eyes.

Sauron! Are you kicking Denethor's nice sand castle over?

No, Denethor does not have you ring in the middle of his sand castle.

I think Frodo has it.

What are you building there gollum?

A tunnel. Well at least one of you is normal

Frodo! You do not tell Sam to go away, it's very unkind.

Frodo get out of Gollum's tunnel.

That's very nice of you to help Frodo up, Galadriel.

Gollum! You are wasting food

Aragorn did you just throw my good green bed sheet into the ocean? 

What exactly were you releasing it from?

Witchking would you kindly remove your blow up sea horse from Theoden's chest.

You watch how fast I come between you and your prey.

Pippin if you don't' unwrap that blanket you are going to strangle Merry.

Eomer we do not hit Sauron.

Look see you've made him hide.

I DID NOT SAY YOU COULD HUNT HIM DOWN!

Sauron don't glare at Frodo.

Oh for heavens sake get up Frodo, it wasn't that bad.

Aragorn can we use our quite voice please.

FRODO! Did you just throw Sauron's ring into that nice mans bon fire!

Don't you dare throw Faramir in there Denethor.

Gandalf don't hit Denethor.

Oh look everybody the fireworks are starting.

Ringwraiths can you please refrain from screeching like that.

Sauron get up.

You're life is totally independent to you ring and besides, I'll buy you a new one.

Sauron stop laughing like that.

You'll miss the fireworks.

That is a nice paper boat Ciridan.

Galadriel!

Elrond !

Gandalf!

Bilbo!

Celeborn!

FRODO!

Where do you think you're going?

You're not swimming between the flags.

COME BACK HERE NOW!


End file.
